As a warning, none of these films fall into the category of ‘so bad it’s pretty good.’ No these little horrors have a shit-core of bitterness and misery, displaying a point blank refusal to make sense or attempt a vague relevance to their games. If you watch these films I hope they make you as miserable as they did me. Don’t watch them all in one week though.
5: Dead or Alive (2006)
You know you’re in trouble when the lead of your film is Holly Valance. The acting and fighting from the actresses failed the fill the boots or even the bra sizes of the game’s characters. There was some story about androids and somebody had roller-skates. I’m not sure, my brain started to ooze out of my ears around the 45 minute mark. Overall the whole thing was so bad, it made Mortal Kombat look like a Zhang Yimou (Hero, House of Flying Daggers) masterpiece.
4: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)
Usually when renting a new Blu-ray film online from the likes of LoveFilm I have to wait weeks or months as I join a queue of like-minded film fans. This arrived the day after I asked. I was on my own.
This film makes you realise just how good the first movie was, as it was as silly as the games, packed with references and fun attempts at replicating the flashy moves. However, this one acts as a half-assed back-story of little miss Spinning Bird Kick, we join the ill-looking and hopeless Kristin Kreuk through some terrible fight scenes with the only real pain getting served coming from the lines being banded around. It’s just so baffling, Bison is a half Irish guy in a smart suit, Vega is a grunting headcase and the only reference to SF is a tournament invite at the end, just shoved in, in an attempt to justify the title. Just go and watch the first film, hell it’s on the Viva channel once a week.
3: Super Mario Bros (1993)
This first official movie based on a game started the long line of cinematic nightmares. New York (what?) plumbers Mario & Luigi are sucked into another dimension’s version of the city. ImagineBladerunner with no budget. There’s almost nothing here that has anything to do with the games apart from Mario’s moustache on Bob Hoskins. In fairness a live action film of Mario was always going to suck it. A perfect example of the crap-factor would be Dennis Hopper as Bowser/King Koopa, instead of the horn-shelled dinosaur he’s just a human with some hair gel ridges. You’ll despise this from the music on the DVD menu, right up to the Reebok sponsored Bob-Omb at the end.
2: Alone in the Dark (2005)
The Dark indeed. A film so poorly lit I’m still not entirely sure what the hell the black creatures were. Like your awful CGI? No, of course you don’t who does? The darkness can’t hide the blushes of Christian Slater and Tara Reid, one look at their filmography after this film is scarier than anything on-screen. Amazingly it got a sequel, thankfully uber-twat Uwe Boll wasn’t at the helm. It’s stuffed with continuity errors like the monsters attacking in daylight (which is deadly to them) and little gems like dead characters starting to move around or get up while still in shot. Don’t even watch out of curiosity.
1: Bloodrayne (2005)
The game had a sexy vampire chic slashing Nazis to bits in World War II. Not a great game but a good chance for some B-movie thrills right? Not in Uwe Boll’s f*cked-up mindscape, instead he gives it a medieval setting and magically ropes in some A-grade level C-listers, namely Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) as Rayne, Michelle Rodriguez and a hungover Michael Madsen. Listening to Madsen and Rodriguez monosyllabically plough through their medieval type script will make you question all that is good in this world. Where the f*ck are the Nazis, Mr. German director? You can’t ignore them forever! Actually he can, as his sequel was set in the Wild West and was even worse. I’m giving the first film the nod in the list as it surely ruined more careers. By the time Loken gets her knockers out for the flaccid love-scene any sense of enthusiasm will be plastered all over the wall behind you along with your brains.
If, 50 years from now, Uwe Boll becomes a cult figure like Ed Wood and a beautiful bio-pic is made about him, the below picture will be a rough indication of my actions outside my local cinema.
So there you have. I almost made it through without threatening to set myself on fire but you can’t have everything. There probably should be more Uwe Boll films in there but others need to be declared and I’ll admit it, I just can’t watch any more of his sh*t. On the plus side Hideo Kojima has already said that Boll will never be involved with a Metal Gear movie, despite Boll always saying he’s got the green light.
“Absolutely not! I don’t know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We’ve never talked to him. It’s impossible that we’d ever do a movie with him.” (Hideo Kojima)
Boll’s also been told to bugger off by Activision-Blizzard for approaching them about a Warcraftmovie. Assume Boll’s other masterpieces are just as gash.
There are other more box-office disasters out there and more yet to come. Feel free to share your own distressed experiences of our beloved game licenses in the comments section. If anyone wants to rant about Jake ‘monobrow’ Gyllenhaal as the Prince of Persia that would be swell too.